our loss

I have been dealing with a tremendous loss for most of this year. I haven't been vocal about it for fear of being looked at as being dramatic or ungrateful. However this blog is our family journal & this deserves to be apart of it. This month is pregnancy/infant loss awareness month, specifically today (October 15th). I still have the hardest time writing this but in early march I had a miscarriage. Kyland and I decided we would try at the end of December early January and by the beginning of February, the pregnancy test was positive. I had gotten two ultrasounds and seen our sweet jelly bean and I was so excited for this newest addition. March 11th I had to go back for a third ultrasound and our sweet baby was gone. My ultrasound tech was quite for a couple minutes, however me having gone through many ultrasounds knew something was wrong. Because of this unfortunate news my dr had to talk to me about options. The baby hadnt measured any bigger than the week before, so I could wait and have my body do everything naturally or I could have a procedure done that would take care of it and had a smaller risk of infection. I chose the procedure because I didn't want to have to wait and wonder when it was going to happen. This was by far the worst thing I have ever had to endure. We would have been welcoming another sweet member to the family at the end of this month, my favorite month and we don't get to. Of course we got all the typical things people will say in this situation, " I'm so sorry" " this was just your body's way of letting you know something was wrong" "you have 3 others kids" " at least you weren't further along" "you get pregnant really easy, I'm sure you will have another soon" 

Again I don't want to come off ungrateful, I thank my Heavenly Father every day for my 3 healthy perfect daughters, it's because of them that I want more perfect children. There is no bigger blessing than to be able to take care of heavenly fathers children here on earth. I was only 6 weeks along when I miscarried and I know there are women that loose their children when they are much further along than I was, and I only had a taste of the pain those woman feel, so I don't want to take anything away from them, but I still lost my baby. The moment there were two pink lines I thought about that sweet babe, and if it were a boy or a girl, how much the girls would love cuddling this babe, what our halloween costumes as a family of 6 could be, I was so excited to feel this baby move, and experience what I had before. 

   I'm not sure if this will even get posted, I'm not one to put my inner most personal things out there, and this more than anything else makes me extremely vulnerable. I just wanted to acknowledge that sweet baby I haven't gotten to snuggle or even meet yet, I want him or her to know that I was so happy and excited that he or she (probably she ;) were going to be joining our family. While I didn't get the chance on earth to hold this sweet baby I'm so thankful that because of the gospel I know we are a forever family, I know this baby will be in heaven waiting for me. 

  Congratulations if you made it to the end. Let people who have lost their babies feel comfortable to talk about it. Sometimes we just need to let it out, we don't expect anyone to have anything profound to say, we just want our babies acknowledged. I think of our sweet babe everyday, I hope he or she knows how much i still love them with all my heart.